some things i don’t want to admit

i’m struggling with what to do and say here..because, truth be told, it seems like what’s left to talk about are things i don’t want to admit.

i’ve laid my life open for people. i’ve bled to the point where i can’t bleed anymore. i do it because i must, for Him…but now i’m not feeling anything. He’s stood me up, He’s given me the strength to fight. i’ve learned how to rely on Him, to not cling to those idols and false ideals. to realize that He is all that i need. He is everything.

but i feel myself growing hardened. cynical. alone. and that shouldn’t be happening, should it?

God has worked through so many people, shown me His love through His children, and is constantly increasing their numbers. i almost can’t believe it’s real…who i was, and who i am now. once having so little, and now having so much. i don’t deserve it, and i even doubt it.

i expect to always have to fight. to always have to struggle. to always have to lose. and that’s what we’re promised. that’s what we should expect. it’s how we learn, how we get stronger, and that’s what i want. i want people to see Him, not me.

but i don’t want to be limp in His hands. i want to be alive.

sara

ah, yes…almost forgot: it’s near my 1st year blogging anniversary. fwee.

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why truth is so important…

nothing can betray our beliefs swifter than our actions. they are the springboard of all that we do, whether we know it or not.

why do i struggle? why do i find myself in bondage? well, the answer lies in my belief: is it truth, or a lie?

(i know my teachers/mentors will appreciate the use of this:)

believe > think > feel > act

what you believe affects how you think; what you think affects how you feel; how you feel affects how you act. if the end result is sin/disobedience, then your belief is based on a lie. ridiculously elementary, i know…but realizing that has allowed me to know where to begin as i try and figure this all out.

for me, this whole idea of freedom has been difficult to grasp. i’ve been so embedded with structure and routine and dos/don’ts, that i can’t see past the box i’m in sometimes. not to say that boundaries and routines are wrong, but like many other things used in excess, they can do harm.

as i’ve studied, bondage and slavery all coincide with sin. Christ set us free, truth sets us free. so my struggle has essentially revealed to me that my belief is rooted in some lie. no matter what i know, no matter what i tell myself, my thoughts, feelings and actions betray me.

so, what do i do now?

well, i’ve learned that knowing the truth is necessary to freedom. my life is testimony enough to that, and continues to be so. life continues to amaze me. and it never fails: as i stop and look back to thank Him for how far He has brought me, and serve Him wholeheartedly where He has me now, something happens to allow me to look forward to what’s ahead…as if it’s some sort of surprise that there isn’t all there is. there’s more. but hope requires some exercise in freedom, too, and that’s something i still have to work on.

but the story isn’t over. not yet.

sara

one small step at a time. no rush.

if this season were a song…

But I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now and forever

“but.”

in other words: despite everything, i’ll sing of Your glory.

…because at this rate, that’s all i have. and really, what else is there?

When all I thought was sacred was shattered in the fallout
And my feet of clay the weight can no longer carry

is nothing sacred? especially to those who claim to be a child of the King, to those who  place their desires – their foolishness – ahead of truth and righteousness and honor. think about what it’s doing to those closest to you. to Him.

Lord knows i’m not perfect. right now, i can barely stand. all i thought was sacred, all i had thought i had a firm grip on, now i find myself with no strength to fight for at all.

When love is not a feeling
And hope feels like a cop-out
The ground beneath my feet a sudden shift and I’m buried

i cling to His promises and the hope of them coming true, but my problem is that i can’t allow myself to hope beyond what is written in black and white. anything beyond that isn’t worth my hoping for, no matter how strong the desire, no matter how affirmed it has been in my life (yes, i know…that savors strongly of disappointed “hopes,” doesn’t it?).

His Word is truth, and nothing else is assured.

Hold tight the sacred ties that bind this weary soul

and that’s all i have to cling to. that is all that is holding me together. in the disappointment. in the hurt. in the recovery. in the reality. in the desires that i’ve boxed away. in that urge to run away. in the masking of emotions.

oh, i know this all sounds so pitiful, i know. i can hear their voices in my head: get up. this is not ok. dust yourself off. move on. don’t let it get to you. get over it. you’re letting them win. smile.

and so i will…tomorrow.

Hold tight the sacred ties that bind my weary soul
O God of light, of ancient skies, I sing it out, You’re alive

I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now and forever

because giving Him the glory is what holds me together.

sara

sing of your glory, by bebo norman