hello, sweet girl.
you’re going to be ok. there is an end to this hell. there is hope. yes, that’s right: you can believe things will change. you can believe things will get better…because they will. oh, how they will.
i know it’s hard. hope is such a foreign concept to you. you don’t know what it means to feel safe or to know that you are genuinely loved. that guilt weighing you down right now isn’t yours to carry. that hatred you have – that hatred that is eating you alive – is holding you back from the change you so desperately desire. but you can’t see that. how can you? change will come, dear one…it will come.
you are going to make a difference. you are going to pursue and accomplish things people told you would never could. you will learn how to trust again. not to say that you won’t feel hurt. you will get disappointed. you will feel so hopeless that you will want to die, even when there is so much to live for. but just know there is hope. there is always hope. in your mistakes, in your disappointments, in every breath…there is hope.
i know you feel dirty. but you are pure. it’s not your fault. i see your despair. i see your attempts to end it, but there is always something holding you back…that’s me. i’m here because something deep down inside you wasn’t going to let you give up. you couldn’t understand it then, but i’m telling you now that there is a reason for all this.
there is still a lot that even i don’t know, a lot that i wish i could tell you. you will be told COUNTLESS times that God knows the desires of your heart. and He does. He knows what is best for you. you’re going to let go of the idea of that hero that is going to come and whisk you away and make you feel better…because it’s not going to happen. i know it’s helping you survive right now, but you will learn how to stand on your own two feet. you are going to spend a lot of time figuring out who you are. you’re going to have to be brave on your own. you’re going to have to fight. i know you want to be carried, but you are going to have to open your mind to the prospect of having to do some carrying yourself. there’s a lot of emotions you are going to have to learn how to be comfortable feeling.
but it’s going to be ok. things are going to change. you are stronger than you know, sara. while all you are experiencing right now has you feeling trapped, know that there will be a day where you will look back and question whether or not it was even real. but you will always know because of the scars i still feel. because of the nightmares i still have. and when you just want to be held.
but it is all for something. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. one day, you will find yourself standing on top of a mountain and realize that i exist.
yes, i exist now.
and you are a part of me. a beautiful part of me. you are the part that makes everything i think, see and feel now so much more valuable, so much more precious. you are precious. you are worth knowing. you are going to make a difference with your life you won’t be able to fully know or measure. you will learn how to love. and, yes, we are still holding out hope that you will fall in love…and you will know what it feels like to have someone fall in love with you. it will be beautiful, dear one. because you are special, you have so much to give. you are worth being invested in.
until then, though, He will be your everything. you will come to know Him in that way you thought was impossible for you. you will learn how to value the ordinary. you will see the profound in the simple. you will find beauty when there is none. you will change for the better; in every moment of every day, He will show you how to live. to live the way you’ve always wanted…and so much more. i know you’re scared. i know you’re lonely. i know you don’t believe me. but i’m that little voice inside you in that moment you want to give up. it is going to change.
from the future you
p.s. you will forgive them.