some things i need to remind myself of

real love is unconditional.

it is not based on emotion. it is not contingent on the actions of others, while it itself is best expressed by action. true love is unshakable. it is the most powerful thing of all.

love hurts. it is not easy. Christ died for us out of love. out of the desire for us to be nearer to our Father. love was reason enough for God to become a man. love covers a multitude of sins. it keeps no record of wrong. what an idea…especially for us. us as small, wounded little creatures. what an idea to be loved like that…

we can’t love like this. and yet we are commanded to love ourselves, love others like this. only He can through us. we are no more than vessels that all too often get in the way of it. we are selfish. we want everything now. we hurt ourselves, we hurt others – even when we don’t mean to because we can’t see what He sees in us. it can be one of the most difficult things for us to accept. the harder we fight it, the more tragic we become. but once we embrace it, once we allow it in little by little…oh, the beauty.

love heals. it doesn’t give up. it sustains us even in the darkest of times.

these are just some of the things i’ve learned in the last few years. it is everything to me. it was something that had been so warped, so destroyed for me…and yet He has opened my eyes to remarkable truths. and one of the central truths is that love is sacrifice.

love is everything.



i wonder sometimes at how i am able to have such a capacity for extremes.

  • considering how i once had such a depth for hatred.
  • that i once possessed such an ugly, violent temper.
  • how my words could be so harsh and cutting and cruel.
  • how i could once so coolly and easily lie.

believe it or not, that was all me at one point. and at times, shadows of all this still pass over me. i know i am still capable of it. my humanity is so real.

  • and then there is where i am now. how the pursuit of understanding true love and being a channel for it has become my foremost desire.
  • how i practice patience and understanding in a way i never thought i was capable of.
  • how i want my words to be a source of life and encouragement.
  • that i desire nothing but the truth in all things. even to the point where people think i’m ridiculous.

i drive myself crazy sometimes wondering how such a small human being such as myself can hold so many contradictions.  how am i still alive? how have i not been struck down?

what’s funny is the areas i have such a capacity for wrong and weakness in, i have such a drive and desire to contradict. to be like Him all the more…but every now and then i give in. i’m ugly. i’m mean. i’m a house divided. how am i not continuously falling? no one frustrates me more than me.

paul says nothing good lives in me. but, then again, He does.


what would i write about if i knew nobody i knew would read it?

honestly, i’ve found myself holding back lately out of fear of what others might think, or the questions i might get asked afterward.

so, here it goes…

  • i wish i was completely over my insecurities, but i’m not. i like to play like i couldn’t care less about what others think, but i’m still a little girl who’s had to grown up really fast these last few years. who sees her life steadily speeding up when she’s only begun to live it. i had to start out from scratch, and figure things out. it’s not fair. i had no control of the first part of my life and all that happened, and not to say that i have any at present, but still…
  • let’s be a girl for a second and talk about the opposite sex. i have no idea what i’m doing. i am so self-conscious. i am over-analytical and, yes – i drive myself crazy wondering what they think. maybe it’s because i didn’t experience it in high school – having crushes and dealing with disappointment early on – that it impacts me so much now. like i said, i’ve only begun to live a somewhat normal life in the past few years.  i am a hopeless romantic, but i feel like i’ve buried it. it was so easy to believe in romance a few years ago when the world was new, but i’ve hardened myself. i’ve built an ideal and hidden myself behind it…and it’s been easy to do for a while because i didn’t come across anyone who tempted me enough to challenge it. but it’s been happening…and i have no idea how to respond. i like it, but then i don’t. and i have no idea what to do.  i don’t want to care about how i look, i don’t want to over-think things, i don’t want to fall prey to my imagination…i want to keep to myself because it’s safe, and won’t hurt so much.  i will probably take a lot of effort, and that’s more than i ever expect another to give me. oh, but i have so much i want to give. and yes, so much that i want. i had the thought that if i were to marry someone, he would be the one constant in my life. friends will come and go. kids will grow up and leave. but he is stuck with me…and i with him.  the rest of our lives could be a very long time. yes, there will be happy times, but there will be ugly, too. getting old. and fighting. and getting sick of each other. and there is no walking away from it. is there someone out there willing to do that with me? heck, can i see myself doing that with anyone? it’s a frightening thought…but if it does happen, well, He’ll have showed me.
  • i am so tired of scrambling to hold things together that are going to change. it’s going to happen. i get so angry at myself for being upset about it, and for taking it out on those closest to me. i’m jealous, too. jealous for what i don’t have. i hate admitting it, and i don’t want to hear all the carbon, super-spiritual responses. i’m sick of them…especially coming from those who have what i want.
  • the church angers me SO much. not the Body of Christ, but the institution. that place you go to every sunday. where is the unity? why do churches have “policies?” why do we cheer when the church stands up for its “rights” to keep the sinners out? why do i see so many empires being built, but nothing around it being changed at all? does anyone think for themselves anymore? why does unity seem like a frightening and almost impossible concept to so many? it’s gone so far from that picture in Acts. people have retreated into a “Christian” bubble…begging others to come in, rather than going out there and being the light we’re supposed to be. i mean, consider Christ. He’s our example, after all, and here was the people’s conception of Him:

“The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” (luke 7:34, niv)

there was no pleasing people, even then. or ever. that was their perception, but He went right on tending to those who needed Him…not those who were clinging to traditions and living a life of sitting, soaking and souring. Christ touched the untouchable. He broke bread with those the religious ones would of picketed against. keep reading that chapter of luke. He spoke truth, not propaganda. He didn’t jump on the bandwagons.  He was obedient to His Father’s will, and He – ladies and gentleman – is our example.

i have failed in so many ways, and i haven’t got it all figured out. i imagine i’ll tick a lot of people off, and i can’t even fluently explain why i think the way i do on a lot of things, but all i know is i want to be like HIM. i want to love and live like He did…and maybe someday i’ll get it right.

regardless of what we’ve managed to screw up, He always rises out of the dysfunction. i am so thankful for His people…for those i’ve met within the “church,” and those i know outside of  it.

  • you know i’m recording my lyrics now. i’m fulfilling a dream i didn’t even dare to have…and i have no idea what to look forward to. life has become so busy that i hardly have time to sit and think about it. up until now, no one ever told me i could sing. but i am. i’m being told i can. a part of me sometimes wonders if i’m being lied to. it’s so strange hearing myself do something i was told i couldn’t do. and i have no idea what i’m going to do with it once it’s all said and done…i can’t even allow myself to imagine it. i’m afraid i’ll just shelf it and move on. i’m afraid it’ll grow into something i least expect. what am i doing?

there. that felt better now, didn’t it? think i’ve given everyone enough to chew on.

well, that’s the extent of my vulnerability for now. sometimes i wonder why i expect myself to be so overly-transparent all the time. one day, maybe, i’ll draw the line somewhere.